Hello, friend. So, you’ve met the man of your dreams, and he has kids. They may be just as cute as buttons or demon spawn but you don’t care. You love him, you love them, and you’re committed. You know love conquers all. You know it will be hard in the beginning but the kids will see how much you love them. They’ll accept you eventually, and then you can be one big happy Brady Bunch, style family.
Friend, you need a dose of truth and I am just the person to administer it. Let me give you my credentials. I’m a mother, step-mother, daughter of blended families, an elementary teacher, and a survivor. If you decide to move forward you’ll understand that last term intimately. Be prepared for some hard truths and advice that will potentially stop you from reading this post. Seriously, prepare yourself. I’m warning you.
Stop!
The best advice I could possibly give is to say “stop”. Don’t do it. Turn back. Run for the hills. Being a step-mom is no joke. It’s pain, sweat, tears, and heartache. If you’re determined I want you to do me a big favor. Look at the man you’re building this dream with and ask yourself this question: Is he worth it? Is he going to have your back or take the side of his children? Is he on your team? If you’re not clear or he’s made it obvious that he’s going to take the side of his children then I would seriously reconsider.
You’re Not The Mom
When I met my husband his children were seven, eight, and nine. They were beautiful children, full of life, and personality. His two daughters readily accepted me. His son was more standoffish and as the months progressed it became increasingly apparent that he was trying to keep us apart. I couldn’t get a moment alone with my new boyfriend. Regardless, I loved him and the girls. I pictured a happy little family and an idyllic life full of laughter, love, baseball, camping trips, and fun. My heart literally burst with love for this family. I spent all my time and money on the kids before we ever married. Looking back my heart breaks for that woman and her naivete. Here’s what I had forgotten…they already had a mom. Regardless of how insufficient their mothers appeared the kids would never be able to return a smidgen of the love I felt. It’s vital that you come to terms with that reality. There is a high probability that your step-kids are going to hate you. It’s not your fault. You could be Mary Poppins and Mrs. Doubtfire all wrapped in a pretty little mommy package and they would still hate you. You’re not their mom, and if your fiance’s ex is the vindictive type you will never be loved by her children.
Your Potential Step-Children Have a Mom and She is CRAZY!
The Brady Bunch may have worked. Really. I believe that because there were no exes. Greg, Peter, and Bobby didn’t have a mom that guilted them into hating Carol or telling them their dad was a “worthless piece of shit”. Their mom wasn’t calling CPS making false accusations, calling the police to make “welfare checks”, or sending a barrage of harassing text messages. Carol Brady didn’t have any step-mama drama. She was lucky. You’re probably not lucky enough to marry a man with a dead wife. Too harsh?
You Have Children of Your Own
I entered the relationship with an eighteen-month-old daughter. She was and will always be my whole world. I can’t claim this is true for everyone but the bond I have with my daughter can’t be duplicated. When I held her for the first time there was a shift in my soul. She became my reason for living. Despite how much you love your step-children you can’t replicate that bond and that’s okay. The love you have for a step-child is different, but that’s doesn’t mean you love them less.
Regardless of how much you love your step-children and how desperately you try to prove you don’t show favoritism they will always claim you favor your own child/children.
My oldest step-daughter is almost twenty years old and she has guilted me with favoring my biological daughter more times than I can count. In retrospect, I realized that I allowed my step-daughter to say things and behave in ways that I would never accept from my biological daughter. I always held back feeling a weird sense of guilt because she wasn’t my “real” daughter.
Blended family relationships are so complex it can be overwhelming. Ultimately you have to weigh out the pros and cons and figure out the best scenario for YOUR child. Your step-children have a mother and father to protect them. You are responsible for protecting your child and if becoming apart of a dysfunctional blended family is harmful to them you need to rethink your situation.
You Have different Parenting Styles
This is a big one. My husband is military and was raised by strict parents, so he was more abrasive and strict than I was used to. I realized later how lucky I was to marry a man with high expectations for his children. He demanded respect, hard work, and obedience. I’m not going to lie. I initially thought my husband was a little extreme. My parenting style was more laid back and a little too indulgent. Blending our parenting styles has fostered independence, integrity, and self-confidence in our children.
Regardless of parenting styles the most important thing you can do is stay on the same page. I love kids or I wouldn’t be an elementary school teacher. Because of my experience with children, I can tell you without a doubt that kids are like wolves. If they smell weakness or disunity between you and your spouse they WILL attack. If your fiance is afraid to discipline his children and never backs you up…RUN. This is a recipe for disaster. You will end up heartbroken and/or divorced.
Cherish the Happy Moments and Let go of the Rest
If you stuck with me through some pretty brutal truths you deserve some good news. If your new boyfriend/fiance is on your team it will be worth it. I can’t say that the kids will ever love you the way you love them. I can’t promise they won’t break your heart more times than you can count. I can’t even promise there won’t be moments when you regret getting married. I can say that there will be some wonderful moments. You will share a closeness with your husband, few couples experience because you’ve walked through some hard and potentially traumatic experiences. You are blended family survivors. There will be moments when the children forget the lies their mom has drilled into their brains and they’ll love you, they’ll laugh with you, they’ll cuddle up next to you and watch TV, they’ll tell you their secrets, and they’ll remember you were there for them. And one day, fingers crossed, they’ll grow up, have children of their own, and know how deeply you loved them.
